Star Trek Voyager: Featuring Who?
by Jaala
Summary: A new parody. Tempers rise as an unexpected crewmember features in an episode. Animal guides, broken lights, and the birds and the bees are all in here. Please R/R. =)


**AN: My 2nd Voyager parody. And my first parody without Wesley. Wow. It felt weird. Thanks to my mom, who helped me a bit. Please review. Thanks. =)**

{We see Voyager flying prettily through space.}

Janeway's voice: Captain's Log Stardate 342755428.548. We were heading home when we detected some faint radiation coming from a nearby star. So we decided to waste some time and investigate it.

{Switch to view of bridge. Janeway is looking bored in the Captain's chair, drumming her fingers. Chakotay is talking to his animal guide. Everybody else is in their normal spots. Seven walks in.}

Seven: Captain, (Shot of Seven, focusing on her...er...face...) I need to speak with you.

Janeway: (Rolls her eyes) In my ready room.

(Seven and Janeway walk into Janeway's ready room. Janeway, by habit, gets herself a cup of coffee.)

Janeway: What's on your mind?

Seven: (Another shot of her...face) I believe that it is pointless to veer off our course just to investigate an everyday phenomenon.

Janeway: (Holds up a hand) Wait, we can't argue.

Seven: I am just expressing my opinion. My individuality, as you have taught me...

Janeway: No, that's not what I mean. (She walks over and pulls out a folder. She shows it to Seven.) If we argue, the episode will have to focus on you. But this episode is supposed to focus on Neelix. See?

Seven: I am not featured in this episode?

Janeway: (Shakes her head) No.

Seven: (Tries to come to grips with that.) Neelix is?

Janeway: (Nods)

Seven: Well...I will go to Astrometrics and study this radiation some more.

Janeway: That sounds like a good idea. Oh, but don't tell me about it!

(Seven exits, with a good camera view of her...never mind.)

{Scene change to Mess Hall. Neelix is busy cooking. Icheb is hanging over his shoulder, watching.}

Neelix: Then you add the spices.

(Neelix grabs a bucket and pours a lot of spices into the soup.)

Icheb: Isn't that excessive?

Neelix: Well, you need a lot of spices to make it taste just right. Try it.

(Icheb takes a sip...then spits it back out.)

Icheb: That was unpleasant.

Neelix: I guess you didn't like it. Hmmm...

(Janeway enters.)

Janeway: Neelix.

Neelix: Captain Janeway! What can I do for you? Have a seat, put your feet up. I'll make your favorite...

Janeway: (Holds up a hand) Not now. We have encountered a small bit of radiation.

Neelix: Is it dangerous?

Janeway: No.

Neelix: Is it unusual?

Janeway: No.

Neelix: I see. So we'll be investigating it.

Janeway: Yes. I seem to recall you bragging about how you know a lot about radiation. Care to be our expert on our investigation?

Neelix: Captain, I would be honored.

Janeway: Good. Report to the conference room at 0300. (Turns to leave)

Neelix: Uh...captain!

Janeway: (Turns)

Neelix: 0300(3 AM)...isn't that a bit early?

Janeway: (Rolls her eyes) I had 7 cups of coffee, Neelix. I ain't going to bed anytime soon. Be there. (Leaves.)

{Switch to an unknown crewperson's quarters. The unknown crewperson is working on some little piece of technology.}

Unknown Crewperson: (Laughs evilly) Ha! Ha! Ha! I'll show them! I've constructed a complex plan to blow up Voyager once it reaches the radiation. They'll all die!!! Ha! Ha! Ha!

Computer: You will die, too.

Unknown Crewperson: (Pauses) Darn! I forgot about that! Now I have to come up with a new plan!

{Scene change to Mess Hall. It is 0230 hours and the only person in there is Unknown Crewperson who is working on a PADD. Neelix walks in.}

Neelix: Hello there, Ensign **Name Removed for Plot Security**. Staying up late tonight, aren't we?

Unknown Crewperson: I'm working on destroying the ship.

Neelix: I see. Need some coffee?

Unknown Crewperson: Sure.

Neelix: (Pours Unknown Crewperson some coffee and sits down.) Need help?

Unknown Crewperson: Actually, yes. (Unknown Crewperson puts away the PADD) I had this long, complicated plan all set up to make Voyager blow up as soon as we reached that radiation, but then I realized that I'd die, too.

Neelix: That is a problem. As morale officer, I must say that I find it quite disturbing that you want to blow Voyager up. But I'm willing to offer help where it's needed.

Unknown Crewperson: It's so good to hear that.

Neelix: I tell you what. I'm going to be working on investigating this radiation once we reach it. Why don't we work out a plan that both of us can pull off and blow the ship up?

Unknown Crewperson: Neelix, you're the best.

Neelix: Just doing my job.

{Scene change to conference room. Everybody is there minus Neelix and Seven. The camera seems to have shown up in the middle of Janeway reprimanding some people.}

Janeway: Tom, you sit over here. B'Elanna, you sit over there. Now, I want both of you to keep away from each other.

Paris: But, Captain.

Janeway: Shut it, Tom, or I'll demote you again!

B'Elanna: Captain, this is an insult to my honor.

Chakotay: Remember your animal guide, B'Elanna.

B'Elanna: (Sticks her tongue out at Chakotay)

Tuvok: You are all behaving illogically.

Paris: We're having a meeting at 3 AM! B'Elanna and I were...busy. (Tom looks embaressed)

Kim: Doing what? (He genuinely has no clue)

(Everybody pauses and looks at each other.)

Janeway: I believe the Doctor can explain it best.

Doctor: Er...wait till Seven gets here, Mr. Kim. She'll explain it to you.

Kim: (Looks confused)

(Fortunately, Seven walks in.)

Seven: Captain, I have found -

Janeway: (Holds up a hand) Wait! You can't have found anything because you are not featuring in this episode. So I don't want to hear it.

Seven: But it's -

Janeway: Uh-uh!

Seven: Captain -

Janeway: (Holds her hand out palm facing Seven) Talk to the hand!

Seven: (Gives Janeway a weird look, but then sits down. She still looks annoyed)

Chakotay: (Leans over to her) Seven, if you need help, I can help you find your animal guide...

(Neelix walks in)

Neelix: Sorry I'm late, Captain. I was helping a crewmember in the Mess Hall.

Janeway: (Smiles) That's our Neelix. Always helping. Now, have you studied the radiation?

Neelix: No.

Janeway: Then what's our plan?

Neelix: To go in there blind and see what happens.

Janeway: (Thinks for a moment) Okay then.

Chakotay: Captain, I advise against this.

Janeway: Chakotay, you ALWAYS advise against stuff. Neelix's featuring. He makes the calls. Dismissed! Seven, stay behind.

(All file out. Seven walks up to Janeway)

Janeway: I just got a message from the producers. They want to have a B-plot.

Seven: Why?

Janeway: The ratings dropped during this episode since you aren't being featured.

Seven: (Looks smug)

Janeway: The B-Plot is you explaining the - um- birds and the bees to Harry.

Seven: I beg your pardon?

Janeway: You know.

Seven: Why?

Janeway: One, because he asked. Two, because it'll attract more male viewers.

Seven: (Sighs and rolls her eyes) As long as I'm featuring somewhere.

(She walks out)

{Scene change to bridge. Janeway is sitting alert in her chair. Chakotay's in his usual place. So's Tom. And Tuvok. Heck, everybody's where they usually are.}

Kim: We are about to come in contact with the first traces of the radiation, Captain.

Janeway: (Stands up...a bit too quickly. She stumbles into Paris, making him bump his head on his console.)

Paris: Ow!

Janeway: Sorry, Tom.

Paris: That hurt!

Janeway: Go to sickbay, then.

Paris: (Walks out holding his head.)

Janeway: Where was I? Oh yes - Red Alert!

(Red Alert lights come on, making everything look cool.}

Tuvok: Captain, the Red Alert lights are out on Deck 47.

Janeway: (Runs up to Tuvok's station to check for herself) How did this happen?

Tuvok: Apparently, if one light on a deck goes out, they all go out.

Janeway: Did nobody notice and fix it?

Tuvok: We have not gone to Red Alert for a while. It was impossible to tell that a light was out.

Janeway: (Gets that "Hey, I have a big problem here"-look on her face) This is serious. Suggestions?

Chakotay: (Standing up) We could consult our -

Janeway: No, Chakotay.

Chakotay: (Sits back down)

Kim: Captain, I think I'm ready to try to fix it.

Janeway: No, Harry, you're too inexperienced for a task of this magnitude. We need B'Elanna. (Hits her commbadge) Janeway to Torres.

B'Elanna: (Over comm) Yes, Captain?

Janeway: We need your help. A Red Alert light is out on Deck 47.

B'Elanna: (Over comm)Sorry, Captain. I'm busy.

Janeway: Doing what?

B'Elanna: (Over comm) My hubby has a bruised head thanks to you. I'm taking care of him. (She cuts off the communication.)

Janeway: (Looks a bit offended) Very well. I'll have to do it myself. (She gets that steely look in her eye)

Tuvok: Captain, what about the radiation?

Janeway: Continue on course. Neelix is in charge. Do what he says. (She leaves.)

Tuvok: Commander, I believe that the captain has made a mistake.

Chakotay: Why do you say that?

Tuvok: She left Neelix in charge, but he is not on the bridge.

Chakotay: (Thinks) I recommend we consult our animal guides.

Tuvok: (Rolls his eyes)

{Scene change to the turbolift with Janeway in it. Action music starts to play as Janeway glares at the doors for no particular reason. The doors open and Janeway walks onto *music swells* Deck 47!

Janeway walks, a phaser rifle in her hand, down the dark corridor. Crewmembers poke their heads out of their quarters to see their captain. But she stops for nothing. Janeway reaches the other end and spots the misbehaving light. She can tell with her magic-Janeway-powers which one went out.}

Janeway: So. You wanna play tough? You just gonna go out when we're in the middle of an emergency situation. Hmmm? You have 5 seconds to turn on, or you'll be sorry you ever got installed on my ship.

Light: (Sits there doing nothing)

Janeway: 5.

Light: (Sits there doing nothing)

Janeway: 4.

Light: (Sits there doing nothing)

Janeway: 3

Light: (Sits there doing nothing)

Janeway: 2

Light: (Sits there doing nothing)

Janeway: 1

Light: (Sits there doing nothing)

Janeway: I warned you. (She hefts the phaser rifle onto her shoulder and takes aim. The music escalates as she pulls the trigger...nothing happens!) Darn this rifle! (She throws the phaser rifle onto the floor. Then she looks up.) And darn you! (She points menacingly at the light)

(Seven walks up, holding a PADD)

Seven: Captain, I need a word with you.

Janeway: (Still angry beyond words) Seven, not now!

Seven: Very well. I won't tell you that the warp core is going to explode in 47 minutes.

Janeway: What? Why was I not alerted to this?

Seven: Lieutenant Torres is in Sickbay. The other engineers actually know nothing about engineering and are just there to make the place look busy. I was monitoring the ship from Astrometrics. Apparently, the light and the phaser rifles were decoys to keep you from noticing the imminent explosion of the ship.

Janeway: (A great deal calmer. She lays a hand on Seven's shoulder.) Seven. That's brilliant. But the only problem is that Neelix is supposed to figure it out. Not you. You aren't featuring in this episode.

Seven: Regardless, may I have permission to stop the explosion?

Janeway: Denied. It's Neelix's episode.

Seven: But Neelix has no knowledge of warp technology.

Janeway: Seven, let's not get selfish. It's Neelix's episode. He gets to save the ship. Wherever he is...

{Scene change to shuttle bay. Neelix and Unknown Crewperson are sitting, waiting for a new shuttle to be replicated.}

Unknown Crewperson: How much longer?

Neelix: (Looks at his watch) 30 minutes.

Unknown Crewperson: I still say we should have taken the Delta Flyer.

Neelix: Now, now. It's wrong to steal. You know that.

Unknown Crewperson: (Sighs)

{Scene change to bridge. Kim is shifting his weight from foot to foot. He's tired of standing up. Tuvok has started meditating to pass the time. Chakotay is talking to his animal guide.}

Chakotay: Really? I like watching old TV shows too! What a coincidence! We have so much in common, little bunny. I'm glad we're friends.

Kim: (Watching the viewscreen) What's that?

Tuvok: (Awakes from meditation...actually, he wasn't meditating. Tuvok doesn't know how to meditate. He just closes his eyes and acts like he's meditating to look superior to everyone else. But don't tell anyone that I told you.) It appears that we are heading for a rather large star.

Kim: Uh...what should we do?

Tuvok: Nothing. Neelix is in charge. We wait for his order.

(Tuvok and Kim wait. Chakotay is still chatting with his animal guide)

Kim: Um...how long till we hit it?

Tuvok: Approximately 47 minutes.

Kim: You didn't even look at your instruments.

Tuvok: I am more experienced than you are, Ensign. I don't NEED my instruments. When you are ready, you too will be able to work without the instruments.

Kim: (Sighs) I can't wait.

{Scene change back to the shuttle bay. The shuttle is just about finished. Neelix and Unknown Crewperson are eagerly looking forward to leaving. But...Seven enters!}

Seven: (Holds out a phaser) Cease now or I will shoot.

Neelix: Seven! This is my episode!

Seven: You were doing a poor job of it.

Unknown Crewperson: (Hiding his/her face) Neelix, the shuttle's ready. Let's go!

Neelix: Well, I'm terribly sorry, Seven. But we've set the ship to explode.

Seven: I know. I disabled it.

Neelix: Oh. Well. Then you'll just run into that sun. We'll be off then.

Seven: Do not move. (Still holds the phaser out)

Unknown Crewperson: (Gets impatient. He/she grabs a phaser rifle conveniently located near him/her and shoots Seven.)

Seven: (Collapses to the ground)

Neelix: You shot her!

Unknown Crewperson: Really? You think? (Grabs Neelix) Let's go!

Neelix: I can't believe it! Are you cold-blooded?

Unknown Crewperson: Well, duh! I'm planning to let everybody on Voyager DIE! Of course I'm cold-blooded.

Neelix: But you shot Seven!

Unknown Crewperson: You're a wimp. I'm gone. (Unknown Crewperson gets into the shuttle and prepares to leave)

Neelix: (Grabs Seven and drags her out into the corridor. We can hear the shuttle leaving.)

{Scene change to a view of Voyager flying towards the planet. A small shuttle exits from it. On the way out, it accidentally bumps into Voyager, causing Voyager to veer off course and away from the planet.}

{Scene change to the bridge. Captain Janeway is walking in, looking really mad. Seven follows her, along with Neelix. Chakotay says good-bye to his animal guide. Kim and Tuvok look relieved.}

Janeway: This is no longer Neelix's episode. Tractor that shuttle!

Neelix: (Side to Seven) That healed fast.

Seven: It's my episode now. I can make it heal fast if I want to. (She smiles.)

Kim: Can't get a tractor beam on it, the radiation is making interference. We also can't target the shuttle with our weapons, or beam Unknown Crewperson aboard.

Janeway: Darn! Seven, work some of your magic.

Seven: (Takes the controls from Harry and pushes a lot of buttons) We can now beam Unknown Crewperson onto the bridge.

Janeway: Good job. Do it!

Seven: (Pushes more buttons)

(Unknown Crewperson appears. Everybody gasps.)

Janeway: It's...

Kim: Whoa...

Chakotay: I can't believe it...

Tuvok: This is highly illogical...

Neelix: Am I missing something?

Seven: (Looks amazed as well) It's Denise Crosby.

Unknown Crewperson: Actually, I'm RaNasha, Tasha Yar's 2nd cousin, twice removed.

Seven: Played by Denise Crosby.

RaNasha: (Rolls her eyes at Seven) Want me to tell you my story?

Chakotay: (Smiles) Storytime!

Janeway: Sure, then I can throw you in the brig.

RaNasha: I joined this show in the hopes that I could live up to Tasha's heroic legend. But I was ignored. Never featured. I decided to blow all of you up so that way the show HAD to focus on me. It was perfect! But Neelix botched it up. For 6 years, I've worked in a small Jeffries Tube where nobody could see me. But now I'm known. All the fans will love me!

Janeway: (Stares for a minute) Tuvok, take her to the brig.

RaNasha: (While Tuvok is dragging her out) I'll be back! Denise Crosby will be back! In some form or other, I will return!

Chakotay: (After a pause) I didn't like that story.

Janeway: Neelix, go down to Sickbay and bring Tom back up here. We need a pilot. And you will never feature in an episode again.

Neelix: (Walks away, shamed)

Janeway: (To Seven) I'm proud of you Seven. Look at how far you've come since we freed you from the Collective -

Seven: Captain, you have given me this speech 47 times. I believe that another will not affect me in any way.

Janeway: Oh. Go back to Astrometrics then.

Kim: (Nervously approaches Janeway) Captain...

Janeway: Yes?

Kim: Um...Seven said I should ask you about the birds and the bees.

Janeway: (Gets a horrified look on her face.)

Chakotay: (Snickers) Want to talk to your animal -

Janeway: (Holds up her hand) Talk to the hand, Chakotay!

{And we last see Voyager zooming off into space.}

**AN cont'd: For those who are strictly Voyager fans, Denise Crosby played Tasha Yar, who died in Season One of TNG. Since then, Denise Crosby has been appearing everywhere in the Trek universe in various forms. That's in case you were confused at the last part.**


End file.
